New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
