I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
