We named our party play list daddy issues
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
