You can't motorboat a personality
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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