Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
