I want to have your abortion
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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