What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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