last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
