hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
