he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Don't make out with my wife yet
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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