dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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