Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
