I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
