If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize