I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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