I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have aggressive nipples.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
