so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
