Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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