Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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