Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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