My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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