my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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