Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
