just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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