I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There's always time for handjobs
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
this is an emotional support booty call
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
