Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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