I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
