Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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