i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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