I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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