wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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