As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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