if i can run in heels then i can drive
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
In other news, I just burned my penis
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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