Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
