I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
