i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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