Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
