i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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