we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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