remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
