I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
