found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
