Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
