I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
