my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
