I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
