i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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