the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize