Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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