can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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