Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
