weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
