fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
