OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
