You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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