Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
