drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
