her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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