I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
