You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
