dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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