My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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