hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
