OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
