I should be sponsored by Trojan
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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