i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Green mimosas i think yes
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
