I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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