A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
