hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
