every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
