I got chris browned last night
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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