and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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