saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
