forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
